The Worst Block of All

Drawing and I have always had a strange relationship. It's rare for me to be completely satisfied with a drawing, and I get discouraged easily. If something isn't looking right, or if I'm not connecting to the process, or even when I feel like all I'm doing is slapping media on to the paper, I shut down. And when that happens, I get really discouraged.

It started the week leading up to my birthday. I knew I wasn't making enough work (something that tends to come up a lot in talking with my drawing professor), but I was still waiting to hear word on a studio space. Thus, I hadn't had a lot of time (or, frankly, motivation) to make as much work as she had wanted me to. The weekend of my birthday, I made five drawings in addition to the two I'd started earlier that week, and I got so frustrated with myself and the unresolved status of a studio space and my upcoming show to be in the mood for any sort of discussion about my work. But, of course, on Valentine's Day, my professor wanted the class to have a critique of the eight drawings I'd done. I wanted to cry. I crossed my arms a lot and didn't pay much attention to what was being said, responding with a resounding "I honestly don't know" to every question asked of me. That same day I found out that because there wasn't a particular space for me to use, I'd be able to use the watercolor studio, a fairly public space for art students, as a studio space. That made me want to cry more, though I understood that the circumstances were beyond anyone's control. Everything combined together made me feel the worst I've ever felt as an art major. What was the point of drawing if all I could contribute was poorly-executed mixed media drawings that failed to connect with my artist statement? Where could I go?

I didn't draw anything for a week. This past week, however, was a little better, though the procrastination has seemed to worsen. I started two drawings that I have yet to finish but haven't had the energy or desire to do so. I started using the watercolor studio, but froze up when other students came in to work on their watercolor assignments or other homework as they waited for their next studio or art history class. I get nervous with other people in the room when I'm drawing. I hate the feeling of someone "looking over my shoulder" and my arm stiffens up and I'm uber conscious of my mark-making. I feel like I can't focus nor let everything go and just draw. It's horrible.

One guy in particular came in on Tuesday, and literally walked up to where I'd taped up the drawing across two drafting tables and was waiting for the gesso I'd applied to dry. He started asking me questions: "What are you using on this?" "Why did you choose to use the gesso with the charcoal?" "How do you like working this big?" And as nice as this guy was, I couldn't help getting secretly annoyed that he was asking me so many questions I wasn't prepared to answer. As far as my bad drawing side was concerned, he was a gawker and I would have given my drawing hand to be anywhere other than in the watercolor room at that very moment.

I feel like I've been drifting in every direction in the last few weeks. Graduation, unresolved studio space issues, the BFA show, preparations for the Sigma Tau Delta Convention, my unwanted but unrelenting senioritis, and the upcoming drawing portfolio all BFA seniors are required to turn in upon completing their BFA show...I've been so distraught I even entertained the idea that I was regretting becoming a drawing major. The other day I tweeted* about how annoyed with myself I'd been because I'd left some of my drawing materials at home, and ultimately that I felt my BFA show (which goes up on Easter Sunday) will suck. Almost immediately after I tweeted this, my friend Hunter, a painting major and fellow graduating senior, responded with:

STOP IT Stop complaining, stop doubting, and#GetYourShitDone If I, THE KING OF PESSIMISM, am telling you to stop, do it #believe

It was quite a wake-up call, and I told him so later that day when I saw him.

I don't think I'll ever be able to shake my low drawing self-esteem. I've toted it along with me against my will for a long time, managing to overcome it once and awhile (those are the good drawing days). I just want to be making drawings that I'm satisfied with, and thus far, it hasn't worked out that way. And frankly, of all the times for me to experience such a terrible bout of artist's block, this is the worst possible time for it. I cannot afford to be lost this close to the culminating event of my pursuit of a BFA degree.

Last spring, Heidi sent me the link to this song, hoping that it would help me find the understanding I needed.

Have I mentioned how incredible my sister is?


*I hate emotional tweeting, but I realized I've been doing it unconsciously as of late. Alas.

Birthday

On my ninth birthday, I was sick*. I insisted on going to school, though, because I had a birthday party after school that day, and I didn't want to cancel it. (Also, I've always hated missing school.) There was also a magic show at school that day, and I got called up to help perform a magic trick that involved pulling out a classmate's underwear. When the magician asked what my name was, I more or less croaked it because I was slowly losing my voice.

Yesterday was my 24th birthday. My parents came into town on Friday night and took me out to dinner. They brought me waffles, spaghetti, and cheesecake. I spent the majority of yesterday running errands or drawing (more of the former, however--I headed out to do errands late morning). My original plan for the weekend was to go home to spend some time with my mom and dad, but since I hadn't had the chance to get some serious drawing done, I needed the weekend to work. I was pretty bummed yesterday, to be honest. I had to remind myself that as far as birthdays go, it wasn't bad at all. I just didn't want to be stressed, and I was.

But it was a good day. I had the chance to see my parents the night before (they gave me a Coca-Cola cookbook, which I'm pretty sure is one of the greatest things in the universe, along with a few other things including a book about the Harry Potter movies and the soundtrack to the broadway cast soundtrack to How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying). I bought myself the Monster Ball DVD and put it on when I was drawing. I browsed the Dusty Bookshelf and bought three books with some of the birthday money I got from my parents. My sister called me to sing me 'happy birthday'.

And I spent the evening of my 24th birthday with friends at the 6th Annual K-State Drag Show. I didn't have to think about schoolwork or anything related to it. I just lost myself in the music and each amazing performance. I knew the moment when a mother sitting near the front brought her one year old up to the edge of the stage, and the toddler held out a dollar bill to the performer, that this is what would become part of making this birthday unique. The birthday I drew and went to my first drag show.

Happy February.

The cake my roommate Alisha made for me for my birthday. She had me blow out the candles on Friday afternoon before my parents came. They were arranged in the shape of a lightning bolt. 'Twas awesome.

*I think it was my ninth birthday. I was in second grade.

The Terrible Thursdays

My sister, Heidi, has received multiple texts and phone calls from me this week as things have happened, both good and bad. So earlier today, she posted this video, "Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra)" by Gotye, on my wall as a break from painting flowers.* 

And I was moved. It was the exact thing I needed to hear, and so beautiful. It's not just creative inspiration (for lack of a less possibly cliche way to say it), but also an example of how wonderful Heidi is. She always knows the right thing to say, the perfect advice to give, the right song to hear when your day is the worst of all. I am so very blessed to have the best sister in the world.** I don't know how I'd be able to get through each day without her. She's my best friend. 

*The subject of my rendering project for my illustration class.

The Terrible Tuesdays

I actually really like Tuesdays this semester; I have my drawing and BFA exhibition classes, and I have time to work on stuff without having to worry about waking up at the crack of dawn to get ready for work.

But today is not a good day. After a weekend of work combined with meetings combined with fitting in drawing whenever I could and trying to finish a slow moving first draft of the first of three short stories for my writing class this semester, I woke up with a bad feeling. It was doom, or some sense of it.

I don't know if it's the prospect of Valentine's Day next week, or the fact I won't be able to visit my parents over the weekend like I'd hoped (my birthday is Saturday). It might be both these things plus my stressing over waiting for a studio space plus the paper I should have gotten about four weeks ago. And the fact that I set up my BFA show on Easter Sunday. I try not to look at it in the sense that everything is working against me this semester, but it's really hard not to.

All I know is that when this song came on my iPod, closely followed by this one, I really had to try not to start bawling my eyes out. I hate getting overly emotional about stuff; I can hardly stand being around myself. It's like my rational side puts up with the comforting one for only so long, and then all I want to do is tell myself to get a grip and then just walk away and get a cup of Earl Grey to calm my nerves.

Perhaps I should try doing just that. Hmm.

P.S. - "Slow Me Down" by Emmy Rossum, for your Tuesday.