Shortly after I started dating him, I spent an entire Saturday with my first boyfriend at his house. It was a good day; he made me spaghetti, my favorite meal, minus the mushrooms because I didn't like them. That was one of the first days I ever shot off fireworks other than sparklers, and we just talked, and it felt nice to be able to do so. At that point, we had only been dating for about a month and a half, and because he lived so far away, things were still pretty new. He lived in a pretty small town, and so the two of us and his little sister drove over to the next town to get fireworks. We picked out the firework pack we wanted, paid for it, and we made our way to the nearest gas station to grab something to eat.
He finally mustered up the courage to take my hand as we were walking around. He dropped it, however, as soon as his sister screeched, "Ew, you guys are holding hands?!" and he didn't try holding my hand again for the rest of the day.
I've been watching a lot of The Office in the last three weeks. One of the last episodes I finished was the one where Phyllis and Bob Vance get married. It was a great episode. I was happy for Phyllis. Michael drove me nuts, as per usual. I was appalled at his actions.* I would be absolutely mortified if anyone acted that way at my wedding.
Things have seemingly become more domestic over the last year. My friends' Facebook posts have fallen into this category, ranging from wedding plans to baby announcements and the like. Even watching shows like The Office and Ugly Betty over the last few weeks has been eerily reflective of the job search as I've waited to hear back from potential employers. These things aren't bad. I'm thankful for them--I'm just not yet used to how grown-up everything seems all of a sudden.
I think about that spaghetti Saturday every once and awhile. The thing that taints it is, of course, the ex's reaction when his sister saw us holding hands. At the time, I was embarrassed, too. I thought that maybe things were always like that at the beginning of a relationship. We'd only been dating for just over a month, after all. I felt ashamed for wanting to hold his hand. And it was such a beautiful day, too.
What I realize now, many years later, is that it was stupid for him to react that way. I was hurt, though I didn't want to admit it at the time. The memory leaves a bad taste in my mouth; there was so much I didn't realize at the time that was wrong with the situation and, ultimately, the relationship. It was good that it ended, because the weirdness didn't end there.
One of my best friends, Amanda, is getting married next year, as is my good friend Nicole. I'm excited to be there to be a part of both of their special days.
I don't know if I'll ever have the opportunity to get married, and to be honest, I've never thought much about it. I mean, I have, but not to the same degree you'd expect of a young woman in her twenties. There are few things I'm absolutely sure of, regarding little details of what right now seems like something distant. When I told Amanda that I wanted this song** as part of my ceremony, her face lit up and I knew her excitement was due to the fact I haven't really talked about stuff like this very often; I'm usually pretty quiet/negative about it. But, I knew that if I ever get married, that was the very song I'd want to play. It says everything I could never be able to express.
I have a lot of feelings about it all, and I don't talk about it much. I know that I don't want a Michael Scott there to ruin anything about it, because I know exactly how I'd feel about my wedding day. It's too important, and too precious.
*As annoying as he can be, however, he's such a brilliant character. I can't help but simultaneously love and hate him.
**Here's the original.
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