The Dustpan Race

I always find crazy stuff when I'm visiting home. This past weekend, I came across the following, a story I wrote in 7th grade English that I'm sure at the time seemed clever, but now reads as ridiculous. I should also note that nothing like this ever happened; whenever there were signs of mice in the house, my mom always kept it on the down-low, and would catch them before Heidi and I ever saw them. This story is purely a work of fiction. Here is the story in its entirety, maintaining all grammatical errors, etc.

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The Dustpan Race

Picture this: my little sister, playing with her dolls, all innocent like. Today's episode is about Ken marrying a beanie baby and Barbie and Theresa trying out plans to try to sabotage the wedding.

Just when Barbie was getting ready to start, my sister screamed "EEEEEEEEEKKKK! A M-M-M-M-MOUSE!"

In the blink of an eye, she was standing on a chair, holding a dustpan, and of course,the mouse stopped dead in his tracks.

Now my sister was trying to figure out where exactly Mom put the cheese and traps, but decided that it was useless, and decided to smush its furry little butt herself.

She jumped off the chair, called it a VERY bad name, and started chasing it around the house like crazy. They weaved in and out of furniture, jumped and ran under and over tables, all while whacking at it from side to side. They kept this on for about ten minutes, until finally she chased him out the door.

Do you think that is dramatic or what? Well, the other side of the story is even more dramatic than you think.

Mr. Mouse got up early that morning, wanting to go to the "grocery" store for some more Limburger cheese (he was always running out). It was his weekly morning stroll, always around seven o'clock, and today happened to be Wednesday. He ate some cheddar on rye, brushed his teeth, stretched his paws, and started on the trip.

He sort of jumped at a screeching noise from somewhere up above, He was then frozen to the spot where he was.

'WHOW!What's that?Cheese? No. OH MY GAWSH! A CAT! No, wait, it has no tail. Hey, I know what she is. She is a human. Okay, now an escape route. Under the chair? No. East? Yes! I believe that that is the way to go!'

He then ran as fast as his little feet could carry him and cringed at what she called him, and hoped and prayed that she wouldn't kill him.

He was chased around for ten minutes, and finally ran out the door. She then went back inside. Mouse waited for awhile until after dark, and stealthily crept inside. He got to hismousehole again.

"From now on," he thought, "I'm taking walks at night."

Keep Faith

As I lay in bed the other night, not quite ready to fall asleep, I went through the meager photo gallery on my phone. I deleted a few pictures and reset my wallpaper with a picture of a picture of my aunt's cat dressed as James Bond I'd taken a couple weeks ago when we were visiting my grandmother over Christmas. The picture that had previously graced my phone background since the beginning of December was one featuring a quote my friend Erica had forwarded to me in light of a low point at the end of the semester.

Because of the quote wallpaper, I had had to delete the text banner I'd had on my phone. So, naturally, when the cat James Bond picture was put up, I went back into my settings to reset the banner. What I've always wanted to have--but never have had the space for because the banner is limited to a certain number of characters--is "Keep each other safe. Keep faith. Goodnight," the closing to Potterwatch in the Harry Potter books (which was thus adapted by the amazing PotterCast as their closing). Shortening it to just "Keep safe. Keep faith" was still too long. I tried fitting the simplified phrase in again in the hope that it would somehow fit, but to no avail. So, as I'd had to do before, I typed in "Keep faith" and hit save.

The last year and a half has provided its share of both high points and low points. For the most part, I feel in close to the same place as I did in my last post; things seem much more complicated while I feel simultaneously better equipped to understand what makes up my anxiety and depression. In August I started grad school, which has improved things to some extent. My experiences thus far have provided an enormous but not unexpected amount of challenges, but overall I feel happy. Fall semester was rough, but I feel stronger for it.

And yet new anxieties have set in alongside those that were there last year. While I find myself more hopeful, I'm navigating new and different concerns, and it has continued to take its toll in the form of anti-peptalks and nights I cry myself to sleep. I haven't been writing as I've wanted to, as evidenced by the fact that my novel is still comprised of character notes and freewriting in addition to the lack of posts on this blog over the last year. It's been hard to overcome the negative head spaces. That's not to say that I haven't been writing, because I've done some solid writing, especially since school started. I'm thankful for it. But despite this, I know I have a long way to go, both with writing and everything else in life, because the funk has seemed to slip into everything else, too.

Last week was New Years. I spent it with the old roomies. It was a fantastic holiday following a much better Christmas than last year, and it was good to just be and catch up with my friends, most of whom I hadn't seen in months. I talked to them about what had been going on, about school, the quarter-life crisis, my fears, worries, everything. One of the girls pointed out, "You have to stop looking at it negatively; it's not that you have a long way to go. It's in how far you've come already."

Truth be told, I haven't had much faith in myself or in my own abilities lately. I didn't really realize it until New Years, when I was spending quality time with my friends and making up resolutions for 2014. The combination of anxiety and depression has manifested itself into my insecurities and made things so much harder, and I've let all the negative thoughts carry me off into the void. What I've realized in the last week, though, is that it's that faith that needs to be restored. Things don't have to be perfect. Things will work out. Little by little, I am gaining confidence, and I can't let the insecurities of today that have built up with those of years past break down the strength I have.

I chose the "Keep Faith" banner because I liked the simplicity of it. It can mean many things beyond the context of the Potterwatch message. It is a daily reminder that I need faith in every way, keeping it close. It is the way I will navigate the dark days, and the way that I need to allow myself the benefit of the doubt. It is how I will love myself fully and unconditionally. It is protection. It is hope.

New Year

I haven't posted anything in awhile. Mostly it's due to a very busy few months, with starting a new job and trying to pull graduate school application materials together in time for their deadlines. I haven't even finished reading anything since reading The Giver back in October.

But it's also due to a lot of other stuff.

The only thing worse than the quarter-life crisis is depression on top of the quarter-life crisis--and hell, it might even be the same thing. My grandfather passed away the day I started my current job, and since then, I've been in a bit of a funk. Much of November was spent in grief and the stress from trying to get the hang of everything at work. By the beginning of December, I was finally getting things for grad school applications in order when a mild-health issue arose, which led to one of the longest weeks of my life.

On Christmas Eve and Christmas day, I was incredibly weepy. I thought a lot about holidays passed, feeling horrible that I wasn't with my grandmother and my aunt for the holiday and trying to be thankful that I was working full-time, a grand change from the unemployment of two months before.

Then came crunch time for applications and various apartment issues, which lead into the part of depression that included all the wrong kinds of self-peptalks:

How can you think you'd actually thrive in graduate school? Let's be real. You did, what, one day of Nanowrimo, and look how you've screwed yourself over. You're always on Tumblr or Facebook, wasting time. You will quit. You'll go into debt. You're a fool for thinking this is where you're meant to be. All you'll ever be is right where you are now: a fucking failure working a job paying minimum wage. You want to get out? Get real. You're too afraid to go anywhere. You're wasting your time.

And look at everyone else. They're settling down, with good jobs and families ever growing. When was the last time anyone looked at you? Everyone is always telling you to be confident, and you've failed at that just like everything else. You can't even properly change yourself. The one boyfriend you've had didn't even kiss you in the year and a half you were together. You want to know why that is? Because you're disgusting and you act weird. He told you you were too perfect. The ones you fancy will always be looking the other direction. You're a fake. Give it up, because you'll always be stuck. Alone. Remember: single forever. That was your superlative in the yearbook. You were so effing naive. 

Needless to say, I've been feeling incredibly inadequate as of late; too many complicated emotions with too much stress from too many directions. It's gotten to a point where I can't even remember how I was so wide-eyed and eager back after graduation. I feel lost.

I spent a couple days with Brandi, Leah, and Cassie last week when we went to see Lady Gaga again, and for four days I felt really positive about everything. I'd just finished turning in the applications, I was out of the Little Apple for a couple days, and the thrill of seeing Gaga live is always such a beautiful boost in happiness and positivity. Upon my return, however, the feelings came rushing back. I worried that I bored the other girls, that I said stupid things that made them hate me, that I annoyed them. On top of it, I realized a few weeks ago that the last time I'd seen my grandmother and my aunt was back at my grandfather's funeral.

At the moment, it doesn't feel as heavy as before, which I hope is a good sign. I even did a little writing this week--not a lot, but it's a start. I stopped by the library earlier today to pick out a couple books to read, and I'm trying to look forward toward the Sigma Tau Delta convention. I am a writer, and I'm trying desperately to make myself believe it again, because I'm worried that I've forgotten it.

But my birthday is on Monday, and I fear it's going to destroy me like it did last year (aside from the drag show we went to, which was a wonderful pick-me-up). Valentine's Day is coming up, too, and my attitude toward the holiday has changed dramatically in the last few years; I cried myself to sleep in the last two years because everything was too much. I'm trying not to let things overwhelm me.

Things will eventually look up. I know they will. But right now, at this moment, I just feel so unsure. It's like I don't know what I want anymore, though I know I do.

It comes down to trusting in the right words, but all I can find are the wrong ones.

Banned Books Week 2012

A long time ago, there was an episode of The Famous Jett Jackson on Disney Channel that made reference to Fahrenheit 451. I don't remember much of the episode's plot (as it was a long time ago and TFJJ didn't last very long), but I do remember Jett taking part in a sit-in, and his inspiration came from Bradbury's novel.*

It's Banned Books Week! I have yet to read Fahrenheit 451 (it's on my to-read list), but I did finish my 2012 BBW read this morning: The Giver by Lois Lowry. It's one that's likely to be taught in school at some point, but for some reason, I was never in an English class that taught it. I know it wasn't because it was banned/challenged in the district; it was merely a matter of it not being on the syllabus in the English classes I took the year I took them. I managed to also miss anything by Jane Austen until college, as well as The Catcher in the Rye. We did read some fabulous literature in elementary, junior high, and high school. Plus, I had the chance to read some great literature in college courses from authors I'd hadn't encountered before then. As for the rest of them, I'm slowly making up for lost time, reading all the books I missed.

And because there are so many of them, combined with the fact that I'm a slow reader, it's taking a long time.

But, anyway: The Giver. I'm glad that I didn't know much about it going in. I knew it was a dystopian novel, and I knew it was greatly admired, but I didn't know anything about the plot. It blew me away. I gasped aloud at least twice, as realizations hit about the true horrors of the community system in which Jonas, the protagonist, lives. It's a brilliant novel, and Lowry's writing is incredible--this, I think, was the first book I'd ever read of hers, and I was so engaged that I forgot what time it was and the list of things I'd hoped to do today. And as soon as I was done, and found out there were three more books within the same series, I added them to my to-read list.

There are a lot of banned and challenged books that have been included on various lists over the years. The American Library Association has compiled lists by year, from 2001 to present day.

One of these days, I need to sit down and make my way through Brave New World. After The Casual Vacancy and The Hobbit, anyway. The freedom to read is a beautiful thing. What are you reading?



*I was curious. When I looked it up, I watched it on YouTube; someone had posted the episode in two parts (part 2).

Transitioning: Yay/Nay for Glee 4x03, "Makeover"

Blaine is doing a Rachel. It's fitting, since he was deemed as the New Rachel by Artie two episodes ago. He's decided to join all the clubs and do all the things, but instead of it being for yearbook-related reasons like we saw with Rachel's quest for photographic 'immortality' in season 1, he's trying to keep himself busy and distracted from his loneliness. Everything he does, as he realizes by the time he's secured the student council presidency, is for Kurt, who isn't there to experience it with him.

Kurt, finally, has gotten something he's worked hard for: the internship at Vogue.com. And he's amazing at it (which we all knew beforehand, but Isabelle is discovering). He's come to the right place. Burt and Blaine knew it all along.

Meanwhile, Rachel's still molding her new self, step by step. First, it was attitude. Then, it was confidence (her attempts at being sexy, followed by the inevitable marking out of Finn's name). Now, it's her outward appearance. Like he did before, Kurt leads the makeover, which is successful. Gone are the days of the reindeer sweater. Rachel admits to liking her new self. Everyone rejoices.

Brody's right in that Rachel's makeover is from the inside out. He's definitely a voice of reason for the New York Rachel.

Brittany's still looking for her groove. Sam might be, too, though I'm not sure what exactly he's looking for.

There seems to be a pattern.

I totally agree with Leaky News that this is a transitional/set-up episode. (And from what I've heard about 4x04, it's going to be full of Big Stuff*, so it's good there's a lot of set up this week.) It's a solid episode, even without a lot of emotional upheavals or complications. Also, can we talk about how awesome the music is this season?!

Quick links of interest for this episode:

• Two really interesting things from Kurtcountertenor, one of my fave Glee tumblrs: Sam, Blaine, and a bowtie, and Kurt's infamous brooch. 
• Deconstructing Glee and thoughts on Blaine's makeover, as well as everyone else's. (See also: This thing about flying, with Kurtcountertenor's additions.) 
• A post from Letters from Titan about Cassandra and Isabelle (but mostly Kurt) that blows my mind.

With that, on to the Yay/Nay.

Yay: The look Blaine gives the two superhero sidekicks who are battling one another. So perfect.

Yay: How is it that we've gone this long without a Blaine voiceover?! Paired with an amazing version of one of my favorite '80s songs...PERFECTION. *cries happy tears*

Yay: Kurt and Blaine sharing popcorn through Skype. It was cute and probably one of the most ingenious surprises this episode.

Yay: I AM SO HAPPY THAT KURT GOT THE INTERNSHIP. My heart swelled a bit. No joke. I'm also really interested in his answer for the "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" question.... Isabelle's very right in encouraging Kurt as a dreamer.

Yay: I really missed Brittany and Artie interacting. I couldn't stop laughing about the robot thing.

Nay: The Schuest-ometer was high this week. Mr. Schue, as always, was all over the place. I think I might have done a fist pump when Jake brought up the fact they should be preparing for Sectionals. Why doesn't he actually let the students put something together since he's run out of ideas?

Yay: Everyone's reactions to Blaine's claim that the election wasn't a popularity contest. If what he said was true, then Kurt would have won last year. OF COURSE IT'S A POPULARITY CONTEST. It's high school, for crying out loud. (Is this a Dalton-esque mentality?) As much as I wish he was right...

Nay(ish)?: Sam and Brittany's budding friendship. I like it, but I don't quite get it yet...is that weird?

Yay: Have I mentioned how much I love Sam's impressions?

Yay: Brittany knows what she's doing. And Artie is totally right about her.

Yay: "Celebrity Skin" was AWESOME.

Yay: I really like Isabelle. What a difference from Cassandra, though. (This is a good thing.)

Yay: Stoner Brett needs to be in ND for the sole reason of his awesomeness.

Yay: Hummelberry breaking into various New York establishments for good reasons (and doing it the in-the-middle-of-the-night college way). The video they made with Isabelle was lovely.

Yay: All of the character stuff for Blaine and set up for the inevitable angst between him and Kurt. Holy canoli. My heart hurt for both the entire episode. The second time we see Kurt and Blaine skype is heart-wrenching but so well-handled.

Yay: The Rachel/Brody NY montage. Brody is still honorable this week. And I love that he admitted to being a fan of Ace of Base (me too!).

Yay: I really like how the Skype chats are functioning thus far. It's a nice tie between Ohio and everywhere else. On a grander scale, the more I see the balance between the Lima and New York settings, the more I like it. It's still working for me (and it reminds me of the way Dalton was handled back in season 2). We'll see how things go as the season progresses.

Nay: Are we ever going to see Tina this season? All we've had is the short-lived Snotty Version, and that was two episodes ago.

Yay: The debate was the funniest sequence in the entire episode. It was the perfect combination of Sue, Artie, Brittany, Sam, Blaine, and Stoner Brett that sealed it for me. This also goes for the bit where Becky is not in the mood for a xylophone flourish.

Yay: Blaine: "...Telling anyone what they can or cannot put into their hair is disgusting. It's the first step towards tyranny, my friends. Next thing you know, they'll start burning books. And then they'll probably start burning people, too." Brittany: "That's a lie." BEST.

Yay: I love that Rachel wanted to cook for Brody, and I LOVED the stories they share over dinner.

Interesting: Even with all the reinvention, Rachel is still trying to keep "[her] machine well-oiled" and her performance on form. Immediate flashback to her morning routine in season one...Also interesting to note is that Brody does the same thing.

Yay: The Blaine/Sam friendship could be interesting.

Finn arrives just as the episode is closing, the signal that the dreaded 4x04 is upon us. And so it begins.



*I'm going to be very thankful when 4x04 airs, because I feel the stress about it is starting to wear on my poor heart. Sigh.

Two Things: "Perks" and "The Casual Vacancy"

I know I haven't mentioned it in awhile, but I've been obsessively awaiting the Perks of Being a Wallflower movie. According to the official FB page, the movie opens in wide release on October 5, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will be at the local theater. I was asked to write a blog post over on WORDY by Nature, the Sigma Tau Delta blog, about the movie. The first part is up, and I gush a whole bunch about it. The second part will be a review, once I've had the chance to see it. Check it out if you're interested. The Sigma blog is awesome, so at least poke around to see what's on the website.

The second thing I should have mentioned at some point earlier--and, frankly, haven't really had a chance to since things have been so crazy--is that J.K. Rowling's new book came out today.* I am SO FREAKING EXCITED to read it; I feel like I've been waiting for many, many years for another Rowling novel,** and it's so surreal that it has finally been released. I don't have my copy yet; I ordered it a few weeks ago, and it should be coming in the mail in the next week.

This is the first time I've ordered one of her books via Amazon, and it's KILLING ME because all I wanted to do today (as I was dealing with a fridge malfunction, writing a yay/nay post over last week's Glee, running errands, and doing other little things around the apartment) was sit and read The Casual Vacancy straight through. My roomie went to the bookstore this morning to pick up her copy, and so the first thing I saw when I entered the living room this morning was the red and yellow cover with that looming X. Needless to say, I felt very much like I did when I was awaiting my copy of The Fault In Our Stars back in January and she'd gotten hers first: I was impatient. And a little sad.

Honestly, I don't think I will ever not be excited for a J.K. Rowling release. This one was a different experience; it was weird getting a synopsis back a few months ago, because details were kept so secret before each HP release. I definitely miss the book release parties, though. I'm really thrilled to hear the positive reviews that have been released so far (though I haven't read any yet because I don't want to be spoiled too much), and I'm so intrigued by the few tidbits of information about the book that I've allowed myself to read up on. And I absolutely LOVED watching this interview. There's a reason she's one of my favorite authors of all time. J.K. Rowling is AWESOME.

And so, I go back to waiting for the book's arrival, as well as Perks. I feel like I've been waiting a LOT lately.


*As I write this, it's still officially September 27 in this time zone.

**Deathly Hallows came out 5 years ago. I can't believe it's been five years. I mean, there was Tales of Beedle the Bard in between, but...you know what I mean.

Brittany's Grand Comeback: Yay/Nay for Glee 4x02, "Britney 2.0"

Brittany is trying to get her groove back, seemingly confident in herself as she begins senior year for the second time. But something is off: the summer vacation wasn't the best, her voiceover is outside of her head, she's been yelling at shrubs, everyone is baffled by her behavior, and she's stripped of her high pony. She's trying to adjust to the new groove; she's beginning to realize how crucial her grades are, Santana is off at college, and Brittany doesn't know how to deal with it all.

Rachel, of course, is continuing to find her new self, continuing from last week. Cassandra's current assertion is that Rachel isn't sexy enough to dance a tango. So, Rachel attempts to be the kind of sexy she thinks she needs to be. This hasn't really worked for her before; Kurt's attempts to sabotage the makeover he gives her in season 1--a la Sexy Sandy from Grease--was the first, and it failed. In the first Britney episode, Rachel finds confidence in her own Britney fantasy, but goes about it the wrong way with the wrong attitude and a short skirt and pigtail braids that didn't really suit her. And though her determination to prove her sex appeal once again is encouraged by Kurt--under very different circumstances and without ulterior motives--she dives into it, determined to prove herself worthy.

And though Finn isn't around this time to assure her of her unique kind of sexiness, Brody assures her that she is sexy just as she is. She shrugs it off and goes ahead with it, and, of course, it backfires a little. Brody warned her. He knows what's going on.

This time around, the Britney tribute is less about the music and more about the characters. It works, this fabulous focus on the characters and their real issues. It's clear when watching the episode, but it's nice to hear that the writers planned for it to be that way. (The article in the link gave me really high hopes for the rest of the season, and it made me happy to know that they are trying to bring it back to what it was.) (Two other fabulous articles/analyses of interest concerning this episode include this one from Letters From Titan concerning the theme of scrutiny, and this intruiging look on the characters and conflict this episode from Deconstructing Glee.)

The good vibe from the season premiere is still there this week, and if it continues to be there past episode seven, I'll be happy--season three started off strong, and then started to get messy about that point.

Yay: Brittany's arch this episode is lovely. Strong, strong character development this week for her, however small it was. That last shot of her, devastated, made my heart hurt. (Set up for conflict with her and Santana, perhaps?)

Nay: Here's how the lead-in to Womanizer should have gone (or at least, something like it), to avoid the obvious and slightly awkward set up:

School hallway. Marley enters, notices Jake talking to Tina, and stares a little too long. Unique enters from opposite, sees Marley staring at Jake.

UNIQUE: I know that look. And girl, no.

MARLEY, clearly startled:  What are you talking about? 

Marley tries to come off as nonchalant, but Unique knows better.

UNIQUE: I know you have a thing for Jake, but he's not worth it.

And so on. She can mention the thing about new girls sticking together, then talks about how Jake's been going from girl to girl, only been there a short time, yadda, yadda, yadda, and then they start the song. The set up in the episode was too obvious, and wasn't really working for me. I don't really believe that Marley would have admitted her crush on Jake so easily. If you're a 15/16 year old girl in high school, one of the last things you'd freely admit to was your number one crush. At least, I didn't.*

Yay: While I'm still hesitant to like him too much, Brody was really cool this week. I thought his joke about doing 200,000 crunches was cute.

Nay: I want Puck back for longer than just a minute or two. I know he was only supposed to be there briefly, but I wanted him to stick around and be awesome. I miss the graduated ND members a lot, and I'm eager to see them come back as the season progresses.

Yay: I really like how Sam figured out Brittany's plan. (The map he drew for her was awesome.) There was something really special about that scene with the two of them in the auditorium. Also, I wonder if Sam actually uses a compass to get around...

Yay: I LOVED Kurt and Rachel's new place, and I can't wait to see what they do with it. I loved that they were riding bicycles around inside. Simply perfect. I adored their conversation** over dinner, and it felt really natural.

Yay: I feel like Cassandra is going to get more and more interesting every episode. One of my favorite scenes in the episode is where Rachel goes to apologize to her and they talk about second chances in the real world. (Can we talk about how INCREDIBLE Kate Hudson is?)

Interesting: Joe was singing the song about threesomes with Sam and Tina. (Also, "3" was my favorite song this week. All three of them sounded incredible, and it reminded me how much I love Samuel Larson's voice. He's awesome.)

Yay: The Schuest-ometer was fairly low this week. This is good. Any time I don't have to be angry with Mr. Schue is the best time. Also, I'm really surprised that he was okay with--and was the one who suggested--doing Britney Spears, especially because he was so against it the first time around....

Yay: I'm really proud of Rachel for not kissing Brody. This shows growth. (Even if they are meant to date at some point, it's much too soon.)

Yay: SO MUCH EMOTION when Brittany almost shaved her head and then proceeded to beat up Jacob Ben Israel.

On The Fence: I'm not sure how I feel about Jake yet. I'm interested to see more with him in coming episodes. I don't hate him--there just isn't enough there yet for me to quite get him. I feel that so far, we've just been told about who he is rather than shown.

Yay: BUT... I loved how Jake stood up for Marley's mom. Cool points.

Yay: Kurt's right. Cake is awesome. Also, did anyone else notice how at home both he and Rachel are in New York? Hummelberry was meant to be there. *warm fuzzies*

Yay: Kiki and that ridiculously huge Lima Bean cup. SO FUNNY OMG.

Yay(ish): I really like that Rachel is taking charge of navigating life in New York without going crazy like she usually does. And I loved how her flub-up with insulting Cassandra provided some great conflict and a little character development for her this episode. I just hope that she doesn't lose it. You know?

Yowza: "Gimme More" was a deliciously disastrous trainwreck. Lip-syncing was a terrible idea.

Yay: "Everytime" was the best way to end the episode. (I really, really love Marley and I want her to be happy.) That last shot of Rachel painting over Finn's name, followed by the shot of the flowers....


Until next time.



*There was one instance in elementary school when some of the girls in my class found out about the boy I liked (i.e. I told them, which was a stupid move on my part), and then they told him, and then things got embarassing.......Needless to say, I only told two or three of my closest friends about crushes after that.

**Though I still think that Kurt should focus on fashion and forget about NYADA. I mean, I think he'd be great at both, but he has such a creative side.....