New Year

I haven't posted anything in awhile. Mostly it's due to a very busy few months, with starting a new job and trying to pull graduate school application materials together in time for their deadlines. I haven't even finished reading anything since reading The Giver back in October.

But it's also due to a lot of other stuff.

The only thing worse than the quarter-life crisis is depression on top of the quarter-life crisis--and hell, it might even be the same thing. My grandfather passed away the day I started my current job, and since then, I've been in a bit of a funk. Much of November was spent in grief and the stress from trying to get the hang of everything at work. By the beginning of December, I was finally getting things for grad school applications in order when a mild-health issue arose, which led to one of the longest weeks of my life.

On Christmas Eve and Christmas day, I was incredibly weepy. I thought a lot about holidays passed, feeling horrible that I wasn't with my grandmother and my aunt for the holiday and trying to be thankful that I was working full-time, a grand change from the unemployment of two months before.

Then came crunch time for applications and various apartment issues, which lead into the part of depression that included all the wrong kinds of self-peptalks:

How can you think you'd actually thrive in graduate school? Let's be real. You did, what, one day of Nanowrimo, and look how you've screwed yourself over. You're always on Tumblr or Facebook, wasting time. You will quit. You'll go into debt. You're a fool for thinking this is where you're meant to be. All you'll ever be is right where you are now: a fucking failure working a job paying minimum wage. You want to get out? Get real. You're too afraid to go anywhere. You're wasting your time.

And look at everyone else. They're settling down, with good jobs and families ever growing. When was the last time anyone looked at you? Everyone is always telling you to be confident, and you've failed at that just like everything else. You can't even properly change yourself. The one boyfriend you've had didn't even kiss you in the year and a half you were together. You want to know why that is? Because you're disgusting and you act weird. He told you you were too perfect. The ones you fancy will always be looking the other direction. You're a fake. Give it up, because you'll always be stuck. Alone. Remember: single forever. That was your superlative in the yearbook. You were so effing naive. 

Needless to say, I've been feeling incredibly inadequate as of late; too many complicated emotions with too much stress from too many directions. It's gotten to a point where I can't even remember how I was so wide-eyed and eager back after graduation. I feel lost.

I spent a couple days with Brandi, Leah, and Cassie last week when we went to see Lady Gaga again, and for four days I felt really positive about everything. I'd just finished turning in the applications, I was out of the Little Apple for a couple days, and the thrill of seeing Gaga live is always such a beautiful boost in happiness and positivity. Upon my return, however, the feelings came rushing back. I worried that I bored the other girls, that I said stupid things that made them hate me, that I annoyed them. On top of it, I realized a few weeks ago that the last time I'd seen my grandmother and my aunt was back at my grandfather's funeral.

At the moment, it doesn't feel as heavy as before, which I hope is a good sign. I even did a little writing this week--not a lot, but it's a start. I stopped by the library earlier today to pick out a couple books to read, and I'm trying to look forward toward the Sigma Tau Delta convention. I am a writer, and I'm trying desperately to make myself believe it again, because I'm worried that I've forgotten it.

But my birthday is on Monday, and I fear it's going to destroy me like it did last year (aside from the drag show we went to, which was a wonderful pick-me-up). Valentine's Day is coming up, too, and my attitude toward the holiday has changed dramatically in the last few years; I cried myself to sleep in the last two years because everything was too much. I'm trying not to let things overwhelm me.

Things will eventually look up. I know they will. But right now, at this moment, I just feel so unsure. It's like I don't know what I want anymore, though I know I do.

It comes down to trusting in the right words, but all I can find are the wrong ones.

The New Glee Club: Yay/Nay for Glee 4x01, "The New Rachel"

The first thing we see in the season four premiere episode is Rachel getting told that she sucks. It's oddly reminiscent of Sandy Ryerson's assertion back in season one, when Rachel is separated from the Glee club for the first time. This time, though, instead of running off to cry in the bathroom, Rachel tries to push past the negativity from her new dance teacher, Cassandra July, and takes it with a strange yet nervous poise, even when she has been dubbed "Little Miss David Schwimmer."And thus, we see the beginning of a change in Rachel Berry. The New Rachel, indeed.

I don't know what exactly I was expecting from this episode, but it certainly wasn't what was presented. The tone is different, and it's apparent almost immediately. The absurdity is still there, as is the humor. Jacob Ben Israel is still the gossip center of McKinley. Tina has a freshman assistant who brings her cupcakes and bananas. Sam does a fabulous Taylor Lautner impression. Artie still likes judging people directing. But as the episode and the race to find "The New Rachel" progresses, it's clear that there is a newness that everyone is trying to reach: "The New New Directions," as is written on the marker board in the choir room. Reinvention. Identity, both false and true. A humble, serious side that hasn't really been around since season one or even the beginning of season three. The show has grown up along with its characters, and its heart is bigger than ever.

In the past, I've handled these yay/nay posts with bullet points, and I think, for the most part, I will stick with that format. I wondered though, after seeing this episode, if I might try formatting it a little differently as the season wears on, to be determined as each new episode airs. We'll see.

So. On to the Yay/Nay.

Nay: New Directions' attitude as they try to understand and navigate their newfound popularity, both in making fun of others and fighting to be the lead star when ND has never functioned the same way Vocal Adrenaline was. Not to mention forgetting who they are. Tina especially. I was glad to see them overcome this attitude by the end of the episode; and as much as it bothered me, I love how it functioned. It carried over nicely from the "Props" episode in season three. But I don't think I could stand seeing Tina's diva or Blaine being bossy and unaccepting for longer than an episode--that's just not who they are as people. As the cliche goes, with great power comes great responsibility. (And now I want to watch Spiderman...)

Yay: Brody. It's early, yet, but he seems cool. It's likely he's not who he seems, however, as we've seen before with Jesse St. James. I'm keeping my eye on him. He's the first to recognize that Rachel is changing.

Yay: I LOVE how Unique refers to herself in the third person. I can definitely see why Wade was so keen to be her, completely. She is incredible.

On the fence: Mr. Schue this entire episode. He didn't let Jake finish, but allowed Marley an entire song at auditions. He chastised the Glee club for forgetting their strengths as a team of unique, talented, amazing individuals, yet pointed out Marley's "star quality." Why is he always all over the place?

Yay: The honesty and emotional weight in Kurt's situation in this episode. As Blaine points out, Kurt is stuck. He's working at the Lima Bean, preparing for classes at the local community college, but something isn't right--it isn't where he's meant to be. His destiny is bigger than what Lima can provide. Even Burt, the best dad to ever be on television, points out that Kurt is meant to be New York. (I wonder about Finn and am eager to see what's happening with him in future episodes--Finn felt stuck, too.)

Yay: Kurt's enthusiasm for the auditions and maintaining the philosophy that ND has so carefully built up over the last three years. Kurt has been a part of ND since day one. He has had his moments, but he still remembers what the club is about, even when everyone else has seemed to have forgotten it. I wish Tina, another one of the original members, would remember that. Artie kinda does.

Yay: Cassandra July. She intrigues me. Deconstructing Glee has some brilliant thoughts on her character. (DG also points out how crazy it was that people who auditioned for ND didn't all get chosen. I totally agree.)

Yay: HUMMELBERRY IS BACK, and Burt is awesome. *warm fuzzies*

Yay: I absolutely adore both Marley and her mother. (Has there ever really been a character like Marley on Glee so far?) She has a big heart, she seems humble, and she is not afraid to stand up for others. Marley's mom is a sweetheart. (Every scene...MY HEART.) I am excited to see Marley's arch this season.

Question: I am super curious to find out how and why Jake knows about Puck, but Puck doesn't know about Jake. (Jake, in general, is very interesting to me.)

Yay: "Chasing Pavements" was the absolute best song this episode could have ended with.

Yay: Rachel dealing with her homesickness and distress from her first week at NYADA. Beautiful character development.

Nay: I didn't care much for "Call Me Maybe." I mean, it sounded okay--but just okay. (Mostly I didn't like to see Unique, Blaine, Tina, and Brittany pushing each other around.)

Yay: BUT... I LOVED Blaine's "ta da" thing he did right at the end of the number. Heehee.

Yay: As much as it annoyed me, I was fascinated with Blaine's attitude this episode. This should be an interesting season for Blaine, methinks.

Yay: The Imagine Dragons Flash Mob. *adds "flash mobs" to this season's wishlist*

Nay: Everyone discouraging Wade from being Unique.

Interesting: Kitty used "garçon" and Brittany used "merci" when talking to Kurt. Puck has used some French in previous episodes.

Yay: I don't think Brittany meant what she said about Marley's mother in a mean way; she was just being Brittany.

Nay: I did miss the other graduated seniors this episode. The dynamic without them is so, so different. (But I'm very glad that the split narrative thing seems to be working so far. We'll see as the season progresses.)

Yay: Stoner Brett is the best.

Interesting: Everyone in Lima, according to Marley's mother, thinks that Rachel's headed straight to Broadway. It's interesting how this belief is juxtaposed with Rachel's current reality in feeling like a failure while trying to adjust to life at NYADA. And I think it's also very truthful to the experience of living in a small town, especially in the Midwest. I wonder how the other NYADA hopefuls we saw from season 3 are faring. Are they in a similar position to Rachel, or are they living their fantasy?

Yay: I'm with Blaine on this one: Kurt doesn't need NYADA. There are other paths to achieve what he's destined to achieve. (Fashion, perhaps? From what has been revealed about Sarah Jessica Parker's character...)

Yay: I'm so glad that ND recognizes how awful Kitty and the rest of the popular kids are being.

Interesting: "Order's been restored." Everyone snaps out of their false identity, their bad attitudes evaporated. And then, of course, the slushies are back. Also, did anyone else notice that Rachel's the only one wearing red in her dance class?

Yay: New Directions is actually rehearsing. A performance that's still in the works: unperfected, raw. They're rebuilding.

In Which There Is an Excerpt from a Novel I Will Never Finish

Last night while I was searching for some character notes, I came across the notebooks containing the very poorly-written novel attempt from when I was in high school. I never finished it, but I felt I had it planned out for sequels and other nonsense. The original partial draft is really bad, poorly written, kind of insensitive, and all sorts of crap. I didn't touch it much past my first creative writing class I took as a sophomore in college, mostly because I began to realize how horrible it was, and by then had grown up a little and had developed much different writing goals than what I had then.

I haven't looked at it in years. And believe me, flipping through it again was much more embarassing than I thought it would be, and I felt very, VERY thankful that I've grown as a writer since then. (Thank goodness for all of my fabulous writing classes and professors.)

I did find a second draft of a scene that wasn't the same degree of awful as the original draft, and so I thought I'd share it below. It was written about six years ago, probably around when I graduated high school or early freshman year of college. Don't say I didn't warn you.


-----

Melinda's basement was large and carpeted in a pretty cranberry shade. The main room, the first you entered when you came down the staircase, was a TV room, complete with two squashy sofas, an armchair, and coffee table. A closet was located beside a doorway leading to two other rooms, Melinda's bedroom and a laundry room.

Melinda led us down the staircase and many of the others went directly for seats on the couches as if they'd done this kind of thing all the time.

Only Kevin, Jessica, mark, and I were left to fend for ourselves for seating.

"Let's have our own party over here," Jessica said, motioning to an open wall area next to the food table, and we sat down as Melinda cleared her throat loudly to get everyone's attention.

"Okay, so before anything begins, a couple of rules. No drinking at this party. It won't be good to have a hangover the second week of school." She paused, while Cody, Kenzi, and Don laughed. "Next, we have to watch the noise level. Mom's organizing her office on the second floor, and she doesn't want to hear us. So, have fun, but not so much that she hears it clearly. Third, this is a movie party, so don't spoil the ending for those who haven't seen it! Also, the theme is 'Double the Fun,' so there will be two movies, two kinds of every kind of food, and--" she gave Kevin an odd look--"we will be playing Fourteen Minutes in Heaven."

"OH MY GOSH," Kevin said. "You're serious?" He fell over on his side in shock when she nodded.

"Names will be drawn for those who are single, and couples will have their own turn as well." Melinda pulled two containers each filled with with folded up pieces of paper out from under the food table. She stuck a hand in one of them, and pulled a slip out. "First up is Dani and Brad."

Danielle squealed loudly as she jumped up from one of the sofas, grabbed her boyfriend's hand, and shimmied into the closet. The door shut behind them with a click of final doom.

"Can we start the movie?" Laura asked, walking up to the DVD unit.

"Yeah," Melinda said, going to help.

"You guys," Kevin said, still on his side. "We get fourteen minutes. At a time."

"Calm down, Romeo," Jessica told him, as he sat up slowly. "If you fuss over it too much, you might not get your Juliet."

"Are you okay with this game, Jess?" Mark asked her, rocking on his knees.

Jessica made a face not unlike when you eat something sour. "Better than spin the bottle any day. Still, there's the element of the unknown along with it...What if I get a weirdo, like Don?"

"I heard that," Don called, his eyes glued to the movie that was now playing on the TV.

Jessica rolled her eyes.

Kevin leaned in. "There's a way to solve that issue, you know."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "What's the answer?"

"Settle down, find a nice steady boyfriend. Then you know he's not weird. AND he wants to kiss you because he loves you for you, and is not just a perverted bag of testosterone."

"Don't talk to me, Kevin, you're making my brain hurt with your crazy outlook on life."

-----


Yep. I need to burn it. *sigh*

Resolutions Revisited

So, as soon as I posted my resolutions the other day, I realize that I forgot a couple that I had wanted to add. Anyway, the addendum:

15. I want to cook more, and get more creative with it. Mostly my dinners consist of Kraft dinner or a serving of pasta topped with Alfredo sauce and mozzarella cheese. I need to allow more room for creativity and healthy eating.

16. I have a lot of books on my bookshelf that I haven't yet read. I need to have read--or at least attempt to read--every book I own by the end of the year. I need to allow myself the time to read as well, because I'm really bad about that.

17. Write more ideas down, regardless of whether they're drawing- or writing-related. I used to be really good with this, but somehow my little notebook wasn't always with me last year...and the few ideas that I was really excited about disappeared into the void.

I know I probably have forgotten a couple more. If and when they come back to me, I'll write them down. Anyhoo.

Also, I will post about Mockingjay in the next couple of days. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post it; I needed time for it to sink in before I could really write about it. I'm thinking the thoughtbox will be a little different than the ones I've done before because I just have so many feelings about the book... But it will be up soon. I promise.

Resolutions for 2012

When I sit down to write out my resolutions, I tend to look over the previous year's to construct the new list, adding things here and there. Thus.

1. Control the amount of money I spend on music. Last year I resolved to not buy any more music until I had every Beatles album, and I failed miserably. I think it might be a good idea to stick to that same resolution again. No other music until I have completed my Beatles discography. 
2. By the end of 2012, I have to have gone through everything I own--both at home and in the Tiny Blue Room--and gotten rid of all that I don't need any more. Clothes should be taken to Goodwill or Habitat for Humanity, books should be taken to The Dusty Bookshelf, and music and movies should be taken to somewhere that will take them and sell them again. I've been too lax in the control of my hoarding, and I need to buckle down. A massive "spring cleaning" is needed. 
3. Better scheduling and following of deadlines. This is one of the things I have the most trouble with. 
4. Journal/freewrite/write everyday, even if it's only 15 minutes. 
5. Finish writing the novel I started for Nanowrimo 2011. 
6. Complete Nanowrimo 2012 in November.
7. Budget better so that I can start saving a little money. 
8. Try to cut down on the amount of pointless internet surfing that I do. 
9. Get applications for grad school sent out. Take the time to go through picking schools to apply to. 
10. Organize my music, books, and artwork.
11. Make more work, and try to work through any artistic block that may arise. 
12. Try not to get so angry with my roommates...because that was another huge problem for me last year.
13. Professionalize my wardrobe so that I'm ready for the upcoming changes that will accompany my upcoming graduation. 
14. As my sister pointed out to me, I need to allow myself more time to relax and de-stress. 

Points of Interest for 22 November, 2011

So. Have you seen the new made-of-awesome Hunger Games trailer? I have soooooo much love for it. Effie! The Capitol! Peeta! Gale! Katniss volunteering! Cinna! Caesar Flickerman! Rue! My heart! And March seems like such a long ways away....

The Leaky Cauldron has posted links to part one and part two of a documentary called "When Harry Left Hogwarts" (from one of the special Blu-rays of DHp2...I think). It's beautiful, and I have few words.

Finally, I highly recommend the Loudspeaker podcast, which is also made of awesome. (It's amazing. It really is.)

Have I mentioned how much I love having a break from things for a bit? I am currently watching Chamber of Secrets (Harry and Ron are just about to change back into themselves after taking Polyjuice potion), taking a quick breather from planning a drawing strategy for my final drawing project. This morning, Mom and I made a quick trip to Lincoln to do a little Christmas shopping, and I found a little something for Heidi and my goddaughter Emilyn. I also now own my very first pair of Birkenstocks. I feel like I've achieved some sort of right-of-passage wearing them. Is that weird?

When I have time to really think through things...I'm just really thankful for this week off. I really needed it.

Home Again

My weekends at home are much too short, and I have noticed each visit seems to get shorter and shorter.

Anyway.

Fall is my favorite season. There is a small maple tree in the yard, and one of the best things about fall is watching its leaves turn from green to yellow and orange to a rich red-orange. I missed the turning this year; most of the leaves have fallen from the branches, and the red-orange on most of the remaining leaves has faded to a gorgeous burnt orange color.

I missed homecoming for the first time in years this year, and I can't decide whether I'm upset or not. At the moment, it's an ache that I can't really put my finger on. I love homecoming; it was and will forever be part of my favorite memories of growing up in my hometown.

Heidi's birthday is this coming week, so my family and I have been having a sort of mini-celebration for her. She's been home since last Monday for her fall break. After the having survived this horrible week, I wish I'd been able to have my fall break at the same time.

As is the tradition for being home, we've watched a Harry Potter movie (two this time around, both Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix on Heidi's request as she is the Birthday Girl). Heidi and I went to see the Footloose remake last night at the Astro 3, and despite the fact that there was a country remake of the title song during the last scene of the movie, we were both pleased and genuinely entertained. It was very good, and I'd definitely see it again.

After the movie, Heidi and I went cruising to talk and listen to music. Conversation is a beautiful thing, and those I have with Heidi are some of my most treasured.

I'm not looking forward to having to return to the Little Apple tomorrow; not that I hate it, because I don't. I just need more time here. I haven't been home much since the beginning of the year. In the last 24 hours alone, I've felt more calm, laughed more genuinely, and had more of a focus on life than I've had in ages. Thanksgiving break cannot come soon enough.

It Was a Tuesday

At least, I think it was a Tuesday. I was in eighth grade, and was sitting in second hour, Advanced English.

Mrs. Bower, the gifted teacher, was in the room preparing things for the days' lesson; she came every Tuesday in class to do different activities with us. Sometimes we did projects, sometimes stories with holes, sometimes different writing assignments aside from what Mrs. Anderson was having us do. I don't remember what she had planned for that day.

Shortly after class had started, Mr. Young, the American History teacher for in the high school (the junior high was connected to the high school) popped his head into the room.

"Some idiot just ran a plane into the World Trade Center," he told Mrs. Bower and Mrs. Anderson.

Channel One, a news program we watched every day at the beginning of second hour, didn't have any news that day about the WTC. I knew it was because it was taped before anything actually happened in New York City. It wasn't until the next day that we saw anything related to the tragedy.

We watched the news in almost every class for the rest of the day. Mr. Thexton, my Earth Science teacher, snapped at our class when some of us weren't paying attention to what we were seeing on screen. Some people in my classes joked a little about it. I remember being horrified when I saw images of people running away from a train of billowing smoke down the street. And it continued to get worse, and I wondered this real thing that was actually happening would never end. That kind of thing only happened in movies.

At lunch, the teachers had set up a television on a rolling cart in the cafeteria and had turned on the news.   I sat at a round table close to where the t.v. set was, watching and trying to process what was happening as I waited for the rest of the group I sat with to arrive. Tessa and Leanne came, talking.

Bethany, one girl who I used to call my best friend (and I seemed to go through a lot of them), was one of the last of us to sit down. She walked up to the table in a mild rage, her feet attached to some invisible engine propelling her forward. She slammed her tray down, and looked at us all before taking her seat.

"I can't believe it," she said, her tone serious and tinged with snark. "I was going to visit the World Trade Center some day and now I can't even go because someone knocked it down."

I sat there, shocked. Was she really going to make this all about her? Did she not realize what had happened? How many lives were lost, from the employees inside the building to the people on the planes and then those who tried to save them? How many families were affected, including, as I would find out later that day, a distant cousin on my mom's side and his two daughters, who were much to young to fully grasp what had happened, who had lost a wife and mother that morning?

This was much bigger than that. It affected all of us.

One Week Reactions

We've been at the house for one week. Still no internet (once again, we were kind of screwed over by the companies we give our business to), but it should be up and running by the end of this next week.

Still not too jazzed about the house. I'm feeling a lot more positive about it than I was when we originally moved in, but I'm still going back and forth about this or that. Many mixed emotions at the moment, and I have a lot on my mind. Perhaps a month there and I will be happier.

Alisha and I finally got our living room arranged the other day. Since we share the top floor, the living room is ours to do what we please. My TV is out in the living room, as is all the DVDs we have between us (and there are A LOT). It's a really nice, open space, and it will be a great place to relax and socialize. We talked last night about what posters and such we wanted on the walls, the only thing we have left to do in there. As a group, we still have the kitchen to finish organizing (Prairie and I started it the other day) as well as the dining room, which still has boxes piled everywhere.

I finished unpacking my things Tuesday and Wednesday, so I've had a lot of free time outside of work shifts and catsitting. Our lack of internet has certainly made a difference on this; I'm ashamed that I've become so dependent on it for entertainment, etc. Heck, I haven't finished a book since May; I need to reevaluate my priorities, and it is definitely going on my list of New School Years Resolutions. I was talking about it with Prairie and Alisha last night, and Prairie made the observation that while she was bummed we didn't have web access, she also realized that she had more time to get things done. How very true.

School starts in roughly two weeks, so I've been making list upon list upon list of things that I need to be doing between now and then and beyond. At least moving is out of the way. I hated how it seemed to consume me in July, preventing me from enjoying my very limited time away from coursework. At least now I can think clearly.

Packing Day [Whatever Number]

Mom and Dad came to help me pack some stuff yesterday after I was off work. I showed Mom what stuff was mine in the kitchen, and she started packing it away because I was at a loss as to how to pack it all. (So many breakables...) I sat with Dad and Alisha as I ate the chinese food they had brought for me and we talked, listening first to Tommy James & the Shondells and then Hootie & the Blowfish and Madonna. I pulled out book boxes that were ready to go and we packed up the back seat of the Marquis with as many things as possible.

Dad's coming to help on Saturday, and then again on Monday when we can finally move into the house. Since I've been up I've been trying to sort through everything that's left in my room. My iPod is hooked up to my stereo and I've had it on shuffle for the last few hours. How did I get this much stuff? I'm finding random things and odd trinkets and more books--I swear I keep finding them and wondering how my room was able to hold everything--and stuff that hard to pack together because they're either

1. awkwardly shaped/weighted OR
2. difficult to fit into the containers or boxes I have.

I don't know how it's going to go. I'm going to do some more packing this afternoon, and then I plan to go to a pub crawl with my coworkers for the summer later tonight. Tomorrow, I'll have to make sure EVERYTHING is ready to go so that Saturday goes smoothly. And tomorrow is either the final day of our internet or the day it's turned off completely, so that's going to be interesting. (I'm hoping for the former so I can check my email).

Many thoughts. I'll be glad when we're all moved in on Monday.

Before and After

The last time I had my hair super short was when I was in 2nd grade. So when I was frustrated with my semi-long, still-growing-out-the-color, and I knew that I wanted to eventually grow it out super long to donate it to Locks of Love, the logical option seemed to be for me to get it cut super short for a fresh start, and just let it grow.

This morning I went to (literally) the closest salon to my apartment. I brought in these for ideas, because I loved the look of the styles*, and I was insanely curious about what I would look like with something similar. It was also incredibly different from what I'd had in the past.

I told the hairdresser my plan, explaining that while I brought these in, I was aware that these cuts may not be the best for my face shape (and let's face it, my hair does not want to cooperate with anything it doesn't like, which usually is everything I tried to do with it). At first, the hairdresser said the longer style would be the better option, because I need "volume on the sides because your face is so long."

As she was washing my hair, however, she said, "It is really hard to grow out short hair."

I asked her why, and she explained it was mostly due to that crazy, awkward middle-stage where it looks odd and all sorts of other things go wrong in the world (that last bit was an over-exaggeration; she didn't say that exactly, but I felt like she was making it out to be a big travesty...).

"How about we try a just-above-the-shoulder cut--just to see how you feel about it--with maybe bangs? If you don't like it, then you can always go shorter. I'm worried that you'll be upset if it's too short."

She had a point; it wouldn't hurt to ease myself into it. I agreed to do it, and she began cutting. We opted for no in regard to the bangs, because we both felt it was working well as it was. Here is the finished product:

I was really pleased with it. It's definitely something that I haven't yet tried, and I feel it's very sophisticated and "grown-up"--something I need to be considering since I'm a year from graduation. (Plus, it reminds me vaguely of a Cilla Black style, which is good). It was a nice surprise. The only thing I have with it, though, is that I wanted to take a risk. I honestly wanted to see what it would look like that short, having to deal with the the success or the failure, whichever it was. I can understand the concern with the weird in-between stage....but I feel like I can work through that, look beyond the fear how bad it may look, and embrace it. After all, that that time between before and after is just as important--and makes things interesting. You know?

The worst thing about it, though, is that it won't ever look this nice after I wash it next. I can't ever achieve the same kind of styling awesome as the hairdressers. The One-Day-Hair-Awesome is short-lived.

*You know how much I love Emma Watson? I feel the same way about Mandy Moore. She is one of my heroes. SHE. IS. AWESOME.