Bullet Points

• The Glee season finale was good for the first thirty-five minutes. It was excellent, in fact, until that point. And while I appreciated the twist with Rachel, I was frustrated with what was left out of the episode before we saw Rachel through the end. It had to be a writing or editing issue. Meh. I might talk about this more in another post, but this is not the time and place for that. Soon, though. 
• As I write this post, I am alternating between typing and making pancakes. Pour, type, flip, type, move to plate, pour, eat newly made pancake, type, etc. 
• In the last four days, I have had two school nightmares and one pregnancy dream. The school nightmares have been pretty standard, though I don't know how much longer they're going to follow me around, since I've graduated...
• Life as a graduate is nice, but also really odd. More on this later. 
• I've been slowly going through my belongings, really trying to pare everything down and get rid of the clutter. I've sold back some movies and books, and have gone through my clothes at least twice to pull out some stuff to take over to the Salvation Army, but I still feel like I have so much stuff. It's insane. 
• I feel like I've been incredibly lazy in the last week and a half. I've already have had at least two silent freak-outs and have tried writing things down in a list or two, but the problem is that I have two separate lists when I really should have one. I really need to keep tabs on what needs to be done. 
• While I was waiting for my car in the shop, I spent the better part of yesterday reading*, something I hadn't done in a long time. I finished a book called Ex Libris: Confessions of a Common Reader by Anne Fadiman and another called Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen. I hope to do a thoughtbox for both soon (as well as one for Mockingjay, which is long overdue). I like this part of the real world. I mean, realistically, I know that I won't always have a free day to do things like that, but it's nice to have even the smallest bit of time to read. Now, if only I can just get myself into a schedule...
• The more flexible schedule is going to take some getting used to. 

*I'm a slow reader, so any reading time is precious to me. 

Hodgepodge #3

It's been at least two weeks since we've moved into the house. Our dining room still has some boxes (all of them belonging to the other girls; Alisha and I have both unpacked/set aside our own things), and I still have to figure out what posters I want up in my room. If they'll fit within my limited wall space, anyway.

We had a cook-out Sunday night as a kind of house-warming to celebrate. A handful of friends came to eat food and hang out with us. Andrew and Nate came from KC to visit--both of whom we don't get to see very often, so it was great to visit with both of them. Maybe it was just me and my simplistic expectations, but what I thought was going to be a leisurely, mellow get-together turned out to feel more like a let's-get-crunk "leisurely" party. Prairie and Emma were drunk. Alisha was tipsy and wanting to start a kind of dance-party thing in our living room (something I wasn't completely opposed to, but was still in that things-will-break nervous state). Amanda left at one point with John and a few of their friends, and my camera was passed around (ninety percent of the pictures from the party were not taken by me).

Overall it was a success--and it really was a lot of fun. The best part was getting the chance to see most of our friends in one place at one time. I am just not the kind of person who handles social situations very well. And there was a lot of loud talking and laughing and I got a little nervous.

The Glee Project's finale is next week. I was devastated and a little miffed when Hannah was sent home two weeks ago. (I mean, seriously, Glee Project? You're going to send home Hannah--who is the show--in favor of the two people who can sing better than her? Who furthermore, incidentally, received more criticism from Ryan Murphy than her. Explain that to me, please.) Anyway, I'm really hoping Damian will win, and I have a strong feeling--a.k.a. I'm wishing hard--that he'll be the one to come out on top. Or Alex. I wouldn't mind Alex winning. Samuel is incredibly talented, but we are still finding out things about him. What is his deal? And Lindsay...I don't know what I'd do if she wins.

Classes for the fall semester begin on Monday. I'm very discombobulated at the moment concerning this. The end of the summer "vacation" has taken a kind of toll on my patience and positivity. I don't know how to describe it; I'm not really angry, per say, nor am I in a bad mood. There have been days where I have indeed had the chance to sit back. But those days were few, sporadic, and never lasted longer than three days. Why didn't I take off a week or two? And why did the summer go by so fast? I need some time at home, away from everything here. I want to see my parents longer than just three days. I want to be able to meet up with Maggie so I can visit with her, and also see my goddaughter Emilyn, whom I haven't seen since the beginning of June. I want to see my cats Angus and Naomi (both of which I'm technically barred from bringing to live with me at the new house). I don't want to have to worry about work or classwork. I want to start the sweater I've been meaning to knit for my sister (if my poor knitting mojo doesn't let me down, that is).

C'est la vie. I think this will make Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks all the more special, however. I wonder if it's healthy for this kind of thing to happen to a person. (I'm almost sure it isn't.) This is why there are paid vacations at Big Kid Jobs and breaks in education. Everyone needs a moment to pause or they'll combust.

I'll leave you this afternoon with new bits of awesome from Lady Gaga. Music is a wonderful thing; there is something really special about losing yourself in the sounds and the words. For some reason I keep thinking about that one part of Disney's Fantasia where they try to recreate the visuals of the sounds. I don't know if the two things have an actually connection, but it makes sense in my head.

The Tiny Blue Room

The Tiny Blue Room is not actually blue. Let me make that clear. The walls are white, but the closet (which is proportionately tiny to the room it accompanies) is an inexplicable faded pink color. There are mirrors attached to both the door and the closet door. I don't know why; I thought one would be enough, but perhaps the previous resident thought differently.

The room itself is not outrightly visible when one walks in the front door nor through the dining room from the kitchen. It's tucked in the corner next to the somewhat shoddy upstairs bathroom. It is the smallest bedroom in our whole house. It is also the room I'll be living in for the next year.

I'm still on the fence about our new house. I know that once we settle in, and clear out the boxes and rearrange the furniture, I'll feel better about it all. Yesterday could have been a huge disaster: there was a mix-up on the company's end concerning our rental moving truck, and after a series of flailing and confusion and phone calls, we were able to actually move into the new place two days early. We checked out of our old apartment an hour earlier than we were scheduled to this morning, and the majority of the moving was done yesterday. Alisha still has some things coming tomorrow, but other than that, we're all done. It's just a matter of unpacking, organizing, and rearranging.

But then there's the issue with my tiny room. It's roughly 2/3 the size of the room I lived in at the old apartment, and I am at a loss as to what I should do with it. There's technically only one logical place for my bed if I want to get my desk in and have room to put my clothes. I have room for only one bookshelf, but that's not much of an issue because one of my bookshelves will be out in the living room, as will my TV and DVDs.

The upstairs living room is really wide and open, which is a huge plus. There's a faux-fireplace on one wall, and there are two big windows, which allows for a lot of light. The general arrangement of the ground floor is great. The floors creak a little, but it adds character. The basement, with the exception of the scary laundry room, is also fairly comfy, though it doesn't feel as open as the upstairs. Overall the house is alright. A little shabby, a little rough around the edges, but after we settle in, it will feel more like home.

Yesterday I purchased a fish-patterned shower curtain, and it has brightened up our shabby bathroom. Emma and Prairie bought an inflatable frog-shaped kiddie pool--complete with fountain--to celebrate having a back yard. We have a growing list of things to do now that we're moved in, but at least the hard part is over.

I shouldn't be so harsh on the Tiny Blue Room. What with the way my roommates and I had decided who'd be living where, and the fact that I was essentially last in claiming a room, it is only fair. And I hated myself for being so disappointed yesterday afternoon as I walked through it the first time. We have a decent house to live in. But when there are expectations, and you get so invested in them...

So. Many. Feelings.

The Tiny Blue Room does have a ceiling fan and two windows, one on each wall that faces the back and side yards. So much light can come into the room, and if you open the blinds, you can see the blue of the sky.

Rainy Friday

It's currently raining. Such a calming thing. There's a little bit of thunder, too. As much as I don't want it to be raining as we're loading stuff tomorrow, I do love it, especially now.

Just an observation. I leave you with "Rain" by Mika.*

*Also "Rain" by The Beatles, which is another great song appropriate to the beauty of this moment. Well, for the most part. 

Before and After

The last time I had my hair super short was when I was in 2nd grade. So when I was frustrated with my semi-long, still-growing-out-the-color, and I knew that I wanted to eventually grow it out super long to donate it to Locks of Love, the logical option seemed to be for me to get it cut super short for a fresh start, and just let it grow.

This morning I went to (literally) the closest salon to my apartment. I brought in these for ideas, because I loved the look of the styles*, and I was insanely curious about what I would look like with something similar. It was also incredibly different from what I'd had in the past.

I told the hairdresser my plan, explaining that while I brought these in, I was aware that these cuts may not be the best for my face shape (and let's face it, my hair does not want to cooperate with anything it doesn't like, which usually is everything I tried to do with it). At first, the hairdresser said the longer style would be the better option, because I need "volume on the sides because your face is so long."

As she was washing my hair, however, she said, "It is really hard to grow out short hair."

I asked her why, and she explained it was mostly due to that crazy, awkward middle-stage where it looks odd and all sorts of other things go wrong in the world (that last bit was an over-exaggeration; she didn't say that exactly, but I felt like she was making it out to be a big travesty...).

"How about we try a just-above-the-shoulder cut--just to see how you feel about it--with maybe bangs? If you don't like it, then you can always go shorter. I'm worried that you'll be upset if it's too short."

She had a point; it wouldn't hurt to ease myself into it. I agreed to do it, and she began cutting. We opted for no in regard to the bangs, because we both felt it was working well as it was. Here is the finished product:

I was really pleased with it. It's definitely something that I haven't yet tried, and I feel it's very sophisticated and "grown-up"--something I need to be considering since I'm a year from graduation. (Plus, it reminds me vaguely of a Cilla Black style, which is good). It was a nice surprise. The only thing I have with it, though, is that I wanted to take a risk. I honestly wanted to see what it would look like that short, having to deal with the the success or the failure, whichever it was. I can understand the concern with the weird in-between stage....but I feel like I can work through that, look beyond the fear how bad it may look, and embrace it. After all, that that time between before and after is just as important--and makes things interesting. You know?

The worst thing about it, though, is that it won't ever look this nice after I wash it next. I can't ever achieve the same kind of styling awesome as the hairdressers. The One-Day-Hair-Awesome is short-lived.

*You know how much I love Emma Watson? I feel the same way about Mandy Moore. She is one of my heroes. SHE. IS. AWESOME.

"Torpedoed again, eh?"

It's days like this I feel I need to remind myself that there is such a thing as sanity, and so I immerse myself in things like this. I'll let the clip speak for itself.

Thoughts on Summer (Part One, probably)

Since this summer will most likely be the last one I get to savor fully (for the time being), the next the one I plan to cap off my college experience with Something Very Big and Probably Spontaneous. Summer has always been a reprieve. It is the silver lining on the haze of the rest of the year. So much can happen in the space of three months--and it can be anything.

The summer between junior high and high school, my friend Jael and I made a pact to prepare for high school. As far as we were concerned, there was a set of guidelines to follow. The top of the list was that high school girls had tans. So, we went to the pool every day for two weeks to sit in the sun for an hour to build one up--and I remember having a very mild one across my shoulders. The day I finished eighth grade, I felt different. For the rest of the summer, I spent my free time reading, working on the first two pencil drawings I knew would be due for my first high school art class. I wrote a lot that summer. I had finished that novella that I'm now slightly ashamed of. I started my second novel idea--which I have never finished to this day. The soundtrack that summer was Vanessa Carlton's "Be Not Nobody," a CD I listened to over and over as I was writing though at the time I didn't like most of the songs on the album. I made an over-the-shoulder bookbag from an old canvas Boogarts shopping bag, using a leopard striped seatbelt shoulder thing as part of the strap. I dieted the whole summer after talking to a dietician, walking every morning with my mom and keeping track of my calorie intake. We would sit out on the porch after our return to eat breakfast. I tried to get into a beauty regime. The diet, the tan, and Neutrogena were my passes to impressing boys and the rest of the student body. I don't think it actually worked, but at the time I had hope.

That was the summer after Grandpapa passed away, the one before the last summer we saw Grandmama before she died. I looked through Grammy's photo albums for pictures I wanted to draw for art, finding a  stack that I worked my way through. I carried around two sketchbooks and a stack of magazines (mostly relating to Harry Potter) that I drew from. Apart from the family stuff and our Michigan trip, I spent a lot of time by myself, reading, drawing, writing, watching music videos, thinking.....I remember sitting in the living room one afternoon, staring out the screen of the front door, willing someone to come over. Though I appreciate now the time I had to ponder, to prepare myself for what would come, I should have involved myself more. But there was hardly anyone left to involve myself with, because the end of eighth grade was such a grand disaster.

I did, however, get involved in some form during the summers, though it varied depending on the particular summer. For many of them, I was a part of a kids' theater/singing group. I was Dorothy in "The Wiz," Nala in "The Lion King,"and sang many songs like "Aquarius" and "The Time Warp" (which I will never ever tire of). And then there was the community theater group I was involved with, whether it was having a small part in the ensemble or working as a techie. I loved every minute of these experiences--I'm a proud drama kid--though some productions weren't as fun as others and I hated striking the set. But there were so many little "defining moments" from not only being on stage or waiting just offstage to switch out a set, or even waiting for the next cue in the warm high school hallways with the other members of the cast. It became a part of me. It was only during my final involvement with the theater group--that summer's musical was "Will Roger's Follies"--where it just wasn't fun anymore, and I wanted out. That was the summer I almost quit, the last summer I spent in my hometown. I needed to get away from the patterns I was seeing, because a lot of it made me sick. That's not to say that I wouldn't be up to doing theater again in the future--it's just that by that summer, I began to see through the illusion and understand the dynamics of the people I'd grown up with, and I could not handle it anymore.

In junior high and high school, I joined a summer reading group for teens that was held every Thursday. It was called Lunch Bunch, and we would sit picnic style in the conference room at the public library (go libraries!) and eat our lunches, do an activity, and then talk about what we were reading that week. By the time I joined this group (probably right after I finished 6th grade or 7th grade, I can't remember the exact year), I was looking for more to read, and I remember meandering to the YA section for the first time, somewhere I hadn't been before. There was a different feeling standing in front of those few shelves, inspecting the books to find a good one. It seemed...dangerous, and from there, I have never looked back. I'm almost positive that the first summer I was a part of Lunch Bunch, I read a book called That Summer by Sarah Dessen, and it seemed like my life changed, even if it really didn't. I loved being a part of it, and I really miss it.

The summer between my freshman and sophomore years, I spent a lot of time by myself. I read nineteen books--an accomplishment I was very proud of--and began driving lessons. It was a big summer; I was fifteen, and I was determined to be more grown up. I started carrying a purse with me everywhere because I had a learner's permit. My driving instructor rejoiced when I finally drove over 60 miles an hour on the highway. I remember really, really wanting to be a good driver. That was my mantra as I started building up my driving hours: "You need to be a good driver, you need to be a good driver..." Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out that summer, and I lost myself in its 800+ pages. It's still my second favorite HP book (the top spot is held by DH). That was also the last summer we went to Michigan and saw my grandmother; she died the following October. I did not know the following school year would be so bad, and it was. Royally. I was incredibly relieved when summer came again.

I know I'm probably not making a lot of sense in this post. As usual, I've been thinking too much and the start of summer vacation has prompted a whole lot of memories that I had almost forgotten I had. There is a certain something about it, though, that keeps me interested. I love reading YA books about summers--and Sarah Dessen is the queen when it comes to good summer reads, whether they're set in summer or not. There's something about the freedom, the liberation in a road trip or vacation, the sounds of thunderstorms, the peace from watching the stars, listening to the crickets and the cicadas, swimming and getting out and just being....I'll probably return to this at some point.

The End of Another Semester

The last two weeks have been a blur; my concentration started waning at the end of April, and since then it has been hard to focus on anything. I was tired of thinking so hard about everything--only because I have the tendency to over-think everything. A combination of drawing-related distress over concept and imagery mixed with general exhaustion and an abnormal schedule was too much to deal with at times, and I was worried that it would ruin my desire to continue with my double major. I was tired of dealing with my indecision and lack of motivation, eager to find a way to meld my love for writing and drawing together in a way that did not follow the expected path, and in such a way that I could grow. I don't remember ever being this lost and upset when it came to school. But that was then, and I made it out of this stressful year alive. In retrospect, I realize that I might have been a tad harsh on myself. I still have time to figure this out. I can only get to the finish line after making the journey, and I have a lot of growing and experimenting yet to go. Next year will be better. I know it. 

Last weekend, Alisha and I had the great pleasure to attend the Digitour 2011 in Lawrence, where we met various members of StarKidPotter, the very talented people behind the genius that is "A Very Potter Musical" and the shows that followed it. The thing I loved about being there was the sense of nerdish freedom and fun that surrounded us. All of the performers, including Dave Days, Nice Peter, etc, were 'regular people' who enjoyed sharing their own kind of awesome with the rest of the world. And granted, it was worth every minute to see StarKid, but it was super awesome to see everyone else as well. I loved every moment of it. It's hard to fully describe the feeling of joy we had during those 6 hours+. And as cliche as it may sound, unforgettable. 

Since finishing up with finals and such on Friday, I've been at home spending time with family. Yesterday was my cousin Brad's wedding, and it was beautiful. He looked quite dapper, and Jessica, his fiancee (now wife, hooray!), looked beautiful. Weddings always make me cry, and yesterday was no different. When Jess made her way down the aisle, when she and Brad exchanged vows....everything about it sent me into a fit of emotion. I'm so glad I was able to be there. Another plus of the day was definitely spending time with my mom's side of the family, something I hadn't been able to do since Christmas. I missed them so much; their humor and love and everything I love about them enveloped the day completely. I was very sad when Dad and I had to head back to Kansas. 

It's been a good couple of days. I need days like this, days in which I can simply be and spend time with family, handling things as they come instead of being on a tight schedule. At this moment, Dad and I are watching Deathly Hallows Part 1, as is our Watching-Harry-Potter-when-I-am-home tradition. It's been weird the last few days--it hasn't really sunk it that it's officially summer vacation, and I'm not really surprised because the first of my two summer classes starts tomorrow. And though I have to head back to school in the next few hours, at this moment, everything feels right with the world. In the last two days, I've had the chance to see my sister and meet her boyfriend (of whom I approve); caught up with my mom, filling her in on everything that has happened in the last month; talked music, life, and memories with my dad; seen and celebrated with my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents; cuddled with my cats Angus and Naomi; and immersed myself in the Tale of the Three Brothers, hanging out with my dad. Simplicity, serenity. Things are pretty good at the moment.