Hodgepodge #1

I know I've said many times before that I think too much. And trust me, it's true. Tonight's one of those nights I have far too much on my mind to concentrate on getting through the 100 pages of reading on America in the 1960s that's technically due tomorrow.

The last ten months or so have been really hard to get through; the higher-level drawing classes have taken over everything, so much that sometimes it was almost too much to handle. I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to be doing post-graduation, because time is slipping away far more quickly than I'd like. Grad school? Yes. Right away or wait? I haven't decided. Out of state? Definitely. Where? I have no clue.

Can I get something off my chest? There's also this kinda-sorta-there-but-not-really pressure that I've noticed has cropped up since about a year ago. I'm at an age in which most of my classmates from high school have graduated--I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the only one still in undergrad at this point, but it doesn't really matter anyway--and have since embarked on the rest of their lives. As Facebook is prone to do, bits and pieces of their lives have made themselves known on my newsfeed. A lot of them are married and/or have kids. It's weird to realize that we're already old enough to even consider those two things.

And part of me feels that I'm desperately behind in this department. One of the boys I was friends with in high school starting chatting with me on FB a couple of months ago, and one of the first things he asked about was how the "marriage situation" was for me. Call me [crazy, cranky, insert adjective here], but I was slightly offended. Aside from the fact that dating has recently become a touchy subject for me (due to lack of it period) I didn't want to have to pour my heart out to someone I hadn't seen or talked to in years. I'm a different person than I was however long ago it is, and for them to make assumptions really bothered me. What did they mean, these questions? Was I a failure of a person because I had not found a special someone?

The other part of me then responds with a firm "No. You are Heather. Your path is set in the way it was meant to be: for you and you alone. You do not--and should not--have to compare yourself to the expectations of those you grew up with; what they may or may not expect should not dictate how you are to be or how you are to live your life." Brandi and I have talked a lot about this; she has often told me to tell them to "suck it"--Brandi-speak for "you are who you choose to be"--as well as many versions of this basic idea. And honestly? I may be ready for a relationship, but I'm not at a point in which I'm ready to have a family. I'm still figuring out where the hell I'm headed in life.

Let me be clear: I am not saying that my classmates have this expectation--this is just my brain making stuff up. I know I'm the last thing on their minds, because, hey: they have their own lives.

And then there is the prospect of The Official 5 Year Reunion, which I have decided I am not attending, because:

A) I know I won't have a good time and

B) As stated above, I'm a very different person that I was 5 years ago and

C) I really don't have any desire to converse with anyone, no matter if they were my best friends or the person who called me fat or Heifer or tore up a drawing and then dangled it in front of my face (perhaps I'll have to share that story sometime...it's an interesting one). At least, not yet. It's much too soon to tackle that. It has to happen at some point, but now is not that time.

And then there's the prospect of moving again at the end of July, and my on-and-off arguments with Amanda (over stupid misunderstandings, as usual). We also talked a little about the Civil Rights movement today in my history class, and the more I started thinking about how many people died during the riots and the racist attitudes toward African Americans that much of the country had (and part of which still has) during that time, the angrier I became. And then of course, I started thinking about all the homophobia the world has today, and the omnipresent racism that we have yet to vanquish...

That's not to mention a few other things I'm thinking about. Perhaps all this thinking has been spurred by the fact I've been taking classes for the last six months straight and am desperately in need of a break.

Edit June 9: In retrospect, I realize that I probably sound really annoying/rude here, and I am terribly sorry if anyone was offended or annoyed. That wasn't my intention. I had a lot on my mind, and I let myself lose it for a bit...and much of it came out sounding harsher than I had wanted.